I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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