He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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