if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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