I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
