i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
