guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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