somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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