i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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