i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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