can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
