In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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