M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
