The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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