I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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