For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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