I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize