He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
