im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
