I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
