Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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