you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
