I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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