My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
