I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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