it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
