i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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