btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
