i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
