I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
