I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
