Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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