I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
