While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
