T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
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