I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
