so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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