Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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