just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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