My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
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having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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