We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
