dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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