You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
