Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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