the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
