I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
