yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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