I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
