I'm laying in your front yard are you home
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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