Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
