she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
it hurts more in the daytime
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
