If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
