your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
