i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
