So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
