There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?