and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
