I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
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I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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