just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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