Jerry, you need to find god
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
