everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
