When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
